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It’s a brave and vulnerable step, but one that can lead to profound growth. Making amends goes far beyond just saying “I’m sorry.” It’s about taking responsibility for your actions and actively trying to repair the damage done. We blame ourselves for certain things that happened – sometimes rightfully, and sometimes not.
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Prove to those who love you that you are a person of your word, and they can rely on you when things get tough. How do you prove your worth to others after so many failed chances?
Understanding AA Amends In The Twelve Steps
However, these promises are usually the result of deep feelings of shame, guilt, and regret and may not be genuine for some. Many times, these kinds of promises serve to alleviate the wrongdoer’s guilt and so that they can say they apologized before their loved one died. With these kinds of promises, there may not be enough genuine intention of changing their hurtful patterns and behaviors.
When I first came to recovery, I was certain steps 8 and 9 would be a breeze. After all, I hadn’t hurt anyone (Step 8), so I didn’t need to make any amends (Step 9). In fact, every day I make a living amends to my husband, son, Mom, and brother Ricky.
The 12 Steps For Each Major 12 Step Program
We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments. No matter how much we feel the need to make things right, forcing another to meet with us or hear from us is not part of the Steps. When those we’ve hurt are not able or willing to accept our amends, we can still move in a positive general direction by taking intentional steps to be of service to others or making living amends. It’s also important to take great care when making amends to someone who is in active addiction because our primary responsibility is to safeguard our own health and recovery from substance abuse. If making an amends means exposing ourselves to triggering environments, we ought to reconsider and discuss healthy alternatives with a sponsor or addiction counselor.
12steppers.org is not partnered or affiliated with amphetamine addiction treatment any 12 step program or website that we link to. The content available on 12steppers.org is not medical advice and is strictly for informational purposes and is written/reviewed by active 12 step members. Remember that the 9th step is not over when you have gone through your list. It involves remembering amends you forgot to make, making new wrongs right (this is what the next step is all about). This step involves a life-long commitment to make yourself a better person. Part of my living amends is also being the friend my friends deserve and the employee my employers hired in good faith.
Types of Amends in AA
When my husband misses a turn because he’s in the wrong lane, I say nothing. When he runs out of medicine because he didn’t call the doctor for a refill, I trust he has the intelligence to solve his own problem. When he handles a situation at work “the wrong way” I keep my opinion to myself. To act beyond our old patterns of behavior, many of us require guidance.
- They get the opportunity to express how my actions affected them.
- Think of amends as actions taken that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery, whereas apologies are basically words.
- Essentially, it means making a radical shift in the way you live and sticking to that.
- However, they may suddenly feel guilty and decide to change their ways.
- More general quotes regarding the process can still be helpful, like, “I don’t want to just say I am sorry, I want to show in my actions I am truly making amends”.
The willingness to make amends lays the groundwork for genuine attempts at reconciliation and restitution, and improved relationships with others and ourselves. Today, I know my words have value whether they pay attention or not. If they didn’t pay attention, I do my best to let them suffer the consequence.
After overcoming homelessness and drug addiction, Adam found his life’s purpose in helping addicts find the same freedom he found. When planning, start with the people closest to you and create a communication strategy. Be mindful of the potential for harm when reaching out and prepare for any difficult reactions. This preparation helps manage expectations and ensures a clear and compassionate mindset in approaching the process.
It’s an alternative when direct amends cannot be made safely or might cause more harm. Honesty is key in determining impactful living amends, which require ongoing effort and dedication to show real transformation. Making amends is vital for the recovery journey as it helps us recognize the harm we have caused and take responsibility for our actions. This process is not about seeking forgiveness but about holding ourselves accountable and striving to make things right with hurt people from our past without regard for our own egos or self-interest. By compensating the people we have hurt, us in long term recovery can begin to mend the ruptured relationships and rebuild trust while staying sober.
Don’t expect immediate forgiveness, and also, don’t pressure yourself to fix every broken relationship immediately. If you promised your father to help him mow the lawn on Sundays, but years have passed, and you’ve never once shown up, start now. If you promised your son or daughter to be there to see them off to college, clean yourself up and show up. You don’t have to be the best son or daughter, and you don’t need to be an ideal parent, but you need to show up when you make promises to do so. Being helpful toward others can mean lending a hand to friends and family who need help moving, checking in on elderly parents, or offering to babysit their nieces and nephews for a parent’s night out.
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An apology consists of words, saying sorry for wat you did while in active substance abuse, and not much both you and the person you harmed can count on moving into the future of your relationship. Releasing control of the relationship and outcome of the amends to God, no matter what happens, will help you acknowledge the wrong you committed with Truth and clean up the harm you caused this person. Making direct amends requires face-to-face interactions wherever possible, which shows sincerity, openness, and humility. These interactions are essential in rebuilding trust and promoting healing for both parties involved. However, it’s equally important to recognize when making amends might cause further harm.